


Lights in the Dark

by Kihyunie



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, Angst, Enemies to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mentions of Violence, No one dies dw, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Sort Of, changki rise, it's not as sad as it sounds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-30
Updated: 2018-01-30
Packaged: 2019-03-09 20:55:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13489587
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kihyunie/pseuds/Kihyunie
Summary: The new boy is Minhyuk’s new roommate and therefore Changkyun’s neighbour. No one knows why he’s here because he doesn’t speak.Until he does. To Changkyun.(Alternatively, the changki mental hospital AU no one asked for)





	Lights in the Dark

**Author's Note:**

> TW: if self-harm/talking about suicide/other mental health issues make you uncomfortable or trigger you pls don't read this. Also let me know if there are any other tags you think I should add.
> 
> I wrote this on a whim, so nothing is fact-checked, but here we go anyway

They introduce him on a bad day. Changkyun doesn’t know why he’s in their therapy group when his doctors always emphasise the importance of unbreakable routine but he doesn’t ponder for long.

He can’t. The new meds make everything so sluggish, every memory a lucid dream. He barely notices the unfamiliar auburn hair in their circle before he’s pulled back into the comforting state of sedation.

 

The new boy is Minhyuk’s new roommate and therefore Changkyun’s neighbour. No one knows why he’s here because he doesn’t speak.

It’s nothing special. Changkyun has been in the psychiatric ward for long enough to witness a lot of crazy shit – literally. He just wonders if Minhyuk – who never shuts up – will drive him even more insane.

‘I think at some point he’ll snap,’ Jooheon says, rocking back and forth on his bed the way he does sometimes when things go out of order. It affects Changkyun, too, but in different ways. Changkyun thinks that’s why they made them roommates; lots of similarities but different enough to bring a slight balance. They try hard here at the Lighthouse. ‘They all do. Remember Rhys?’

‘That makes it sound like Minhyuk is responsible for his death,’ Changkyun says. Rhys was the third successful suicide since Changkyun came here. They can’t save everyone, he guesses.

‘I know he isn’t. But I’m still glad you don’t talk that much.’ Jooheon gets up and paces the small space between their beds. The nurses tried so hard to make the room look homely with its cheery yellow walls, the colourful sheets, the flower sticker in the window, but there’s only so much you can do in the section for the traumatised and broken.

Changkyun doesn’t like it when Jooheon has restless days like today. His hands are fluttering everywhere, pick at old scabs and reopen them, turn against himself when nothing else can take his attention. One time Changkyun woke up to Jooheon scratching his thighs raw, blood on the plastic floor.

But Jooheon woke up to him, too, when he was trying not to breathe, not to be there, when he was trying not to remember.

Balance, he reckons.

It’s another ten minutes until the bell chimes for lunch but sometimes when they are good, the nurses let them inside early.

‘Want to collect Minhyuk?’ Changkyun asks and gets up, not waiting for the answer. Jooheon follows him anyway.

 

Sometimes Changkyun wonders how rooms can feel so different when they all look the same. Minhyuk’s seems like it’s been split in half, the left side looking like it’s unoccupied if it weren’t for the stack of neatly folded clothes on the bed and the new guy sitting next to them. Changkyun knows he heard his name but his meds make it hard to remember anything. Mostly that’s good.

Minhyuk’s side, on the other hand, looks like Minhyuk: loud, untidy, bright with drawings stuck to the wall. He’s one of the only people allowed to do this and Changkyun has the suspicion it is because art is one of the only things keeping him quiet. ADHD. Exhausting even to the professionals. The sheets are a mess, too, half on the floor, and the few clothes he owns are spread everywhere.

Maybe the new guy has OCD, Changkyun thinks, considering the angular perfection of the pillow. Maybe he’ll kill Minhyuk over it.

‘Want to go grab lunch?’ Changkyun says in lieu of a hello.

Minhyuk, who was busy trampling around on his bed, jumps off the edge and breezes past Changkyun. ‘God, yes. Today is Swedish meatball day, isn’t it? Kihyun, you coming?’

The new guy – no, _Kihyun_ , Changkyun remembers now – gets up and hovers near the door until Changkyun steps out of the threshold. He follows them down the hallway, always a step behind.

Shy, Changkyun thinks. Or maybe just distrustful, like the rest of them.

 

Of course they let them in early. It sort of belongs to the routine by now, especially when it’s Shownu and Wonho on duty. They are the only staff members who Changkyun would call friends if circumstances were different.

Wonho hands him his plate with a smile, every food group separated because he knows Changkyun doesn’t like it when things mix together without permission. Everything is bite-sized since they are not allowed to use knifes. ‘Alright, kid? I’ll be in class later.’

Changkyun grins back at him. ‘Cool.’

They sit where they always do, in the same arrangement, except that now Kihyun is also there. Minhyuk dragged him along which is fine but Changkyun still feels uneasy. Jooheon does, too. Changkyun can see it in the way runs his thumb over his palm over and over and over. Hyungwon, the quiet insomniac from three doors down, doesn’t seem to mind him.

Kihyun seems uneasy as well. Changkyun is now sure of his OCD diagnosis because the second Kihyun got his food he started arranging everything in a very specific order and then went on to adjust every object he could reach into symmetric shapes. It’s not the worst case Changkyun has seen but not the easiest, either. Changkyun watches him attentively since today he’s a little clearer but Kihyun isn’t special. He’s pretty short, has a sharp face, small hands, brown hair. He blinks his eyes closed a lot. Sometimes scrunches his nose. Changkyun loses interest quickly.

 

Wonho is in group therapy later, together with Mina. Changkyun doesn’t care about her much, but he’s glad Wonho is here. It makes the ridiculous questions a little less cringy.

Like always, they go around the circle and invite everyone to share their name and a bit of their story, sometimes a thing they like and one they dislike. Changkyun always says the same thing: his name, he’s here because of abuse, anxiety, and the resulting compulsive behaviour. He likes music. He dislikes surprises.

Most of those who have been here for a while have those worn in sentences. Occasionally the therapists will encourage them to share something new but it never sticks.

Unsurprisingly, Kihyun doesn’t say anything. Neither does Hyungwon or the girl who only has eight fingers.

Wonho makes them do some trust exercises, like those would ever go well. Changkyun manipulates the group members until he’s teamed up with Jooheon but Mina isn’t having it. She gently pushes him towards Kihyun instead.

They sit in the corner in uncomfortable silence. Changkyun’s skin begins to itch as anxiety crawls up his back. There’s no reason for it, Changkyun knows this. He counts backwards, then forwards, then backwards. Then he asks, ‘Are you physically unable to talk or do you just not want to?’

Kihyun just looks back at him, distant, almost hostile.

‘You don’t want to?’

Kihyun shrugs.

‘You don’t care.’

Kihyun turns away and doesn’t react to anything else Changkyun does that session.

 

People come and people go. On Thursday morning routine is broken by Dahyun’s release. She’s not someone Changkyun knows well or particularly cares about, so he stands at the edge, watching as she waves her friends goodbye. Her parents are standing by the door, her father holding her bags, smiling.

Changkyun can’t remember if his parents ever smiled because of him. He blames his medication.

 

It’s a bad day when Kihyun talks to him. Changkyun is drumming his pen on the table top to keep himself out of the fog, but it’s hard. They changed his meds again. Today he woke up thinking it was April, but it isn’t, it isn’t. He knows it isn’t, but he can’t remember what comes after.

‘Stop,’ Kihyun says.

After three weeks of silence, this is enough to reach Changkyun even through the haze.

‘What?’

‘Stop.’

Apparently Changkyun doesn’t react fast enough because Kihyun leans over the table, rips the pen from Changkyun’s fingers and holds it out of Changkyun’s reach. His hands are shaking. Maybe Changkyun triggered a compulsion but he doesn’t care because right now Kihyun is triggering him.

‘Give it back,’ Changkyun says.

‘No.’

‘How am I supposed to write, then?’

They are in class. They are writing lists. Lists are their friend, Shownu says. They keep things in order and remember things for you. Changkyun has nothing to remember today.

‘You weren’t writing,’ Kihyun says.

‘I want to write now.’

‘If you start drumming again I’ll break your hand,’ Kihyun says. He doesn’t look threatening and really, Changkyun has experienced worse. The mention of violence shouldn’t have an effect on him anymore. Usually it doesn’t. But today is a bad day.

Changkyun lunges forward, grabs Kihyun’s wrist, and twists as hard as he can. Kihyun might be strong but he didn’t expect an assault, apparently, as he makes a noise of supressed pain. The pen clatters on the surface of the table and Changkyun bolts for it.

‘What is going on here?’

Changkyun almost drops the pen and looks up at Shownu. His heart is still racing, if from excitement or anxiety he can’t tell. ‘Kihyun took my pen away.’ He sounds like he’s ten, not seventeen, but who cares. It’s not like he keeps track of age in a place like this.

‘That doesn’t sound like something that requires getting physical,’ Shownu says.

‘He didn’t give it back when I asked him to.’

‘You know how we stand when it comes to violence.’

‘He talks. Did you hear it? It wasn’t nice.’

Shownu looks disappointed and it’s worse than any scolding. Except that Shownu would never scold Changkyun, not after what his mother did to him. ‘I’ll see both of you in the kitchen after lunch. You’re on dish duty. I’ll inform Mina that you’ll be missing art class.’

Kihyun makes a small desperate noise. When Changkyun glances at him, he looks like he’s trying to say something important but can’t. Shownu watches for a minute before he says, ‘It’s fine, Kihyun. I’ll speak to your doctor.’

Changkyun decides then that he doesn’t like Kihyun. Let him choke on his useless words.

 

Changkyun taps his foot on the floor, has been for the past minutes. He and Kihyun are waiting in the kitchen for Shownu to come back with Ed, one of the kitchen staff. One of the girls who usually work at the front desk is hovering around, keeping an eye on them. Patients like them aren’t to be left alone, like ever. Especially not in a room that holds actual knives.

Kihyun’s breath goes fast next to him. Changkyun can feel his anxiety, relates to it on some level, feeds off it in all the worst ways.

‘What the hell is wrong with you?’ he snaps.

‘Nothing.’ Kihyun’s voice is surprisingly stable for someone who’s about to have a panic attack, Changkyun will give him this.

‘Yeah, right.’

‘What’s wrong with _you_?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I can see you don’t want to be here. As in, you _need_ to be somewhere else.’

‘Like you don’t have the same issue.’

Kihyun doesn’t answer, probably because Shownu pushes open the door and leads Ed in.

Ed has them both wash plates at two different sinks. It’s good that way because it lets Changkyun be, leaves him to try and cope with this unscheduled thing that makes him feel like there are ants under his skin.

 

‘I can’t believe he talks to _you_ , out of all people,’ Minhyuk says incredulously and throws the soft ball back at Changkyun. ‘Sometimes he won’t even acknowledge my existence.’

They are in the yard outside because the sun is shining and it’s May. May. Changkyun tries not to think about it. ‘Well, he’s not saying anything useful, so who cares.’

‘Must be your stupid face, Minhyuk,’ Jooheon says without any menace. ‘Look at him over there, though. Like he has a stick up his ass.’

Changkyun doesn’t look.

‘I wish he would talk,’ Minhyuk says. ‘Kind of miss Rhys’s dry answers now.’

‘You never liked him,’ Changkyun points out.

‘He was better than Kihyun. I swear he glares at me until I pick up my socks. One time I accidentally pushed his folder askew and I thought he’d kill me.’

‘He threatened to break my hand once,’ Changkyun muses.

‘I don’t think he’s actually violent, though,’ Jooheon says. ‘He’s been here for over a month and nothing happened.’

‘There must be a reason why he’s here. I don’t think it’s just for OCD,’ Minhyuk says.

Changkyun agrees silently. Kihyun’s OCD isn’t severe enough to put him into the Lighthouse’s closed section.

‘What do you think will happen if I throw the ball at his head?’ Minhyuk asks.

Jooheon scoffs. ‘You’ll get dish duty.’

‘Fair enough.’

 

‘You’ve made good progress, Changkyun,’ Dr Pate says, smiling warmly across the huge desk. She’s made of warm smiles and soft curves but that does nothing to earn Changkyun’s affection. He doesn’t feel like he’s made any progress, either.

‘Thank you,’ he says anyway.

‘Don’t thank me. Thank yourself, Changkyun. You can be proud of your accomplishments and we want to reward your efforts.’

She says his name too often. ‘Reward in what way?’

‘Next weekend we’re going on a trip to the city, you and some of the other kids who have done well,’ she says, grins wider. ‘It’s been a while, hasn’t it? The weather forecast is great, so it should be fun.’

The city. The real world. Sometimes Changkyun can’t believe they take that risk, putting a bunch of crazy kids into unpredictable situations, granting them a tiny bit of freedom that no one really knows how to cope with.

‘Thank you,’ Changkyun says again.

She smiles and smiles. ‘I have a question for you, though. You don’t have to answer it right away, but I want you to think about it. I know Kihyun talks to you and no one else yet, but I think it’s great that he does. He might come out of his shell more quickly if you would be willing to support him.’

‘Support him how?’ Changkyun says, wary. He already knows his answer will be no. He doesn’t want to deal with Kihyun for longer than absolutely necessary.

‘Keep him company, talk to him, just do what you’ve done up to now. You don’t have to spend any more time and energy than you feel you can, of course. But I wouldn’t be asking you if I didn’t think you were strong enough. It would be great for the trip as well. I think you two would benefit a lot from each other.’

Changkyun knows he won’t agree to this but he says, ‘I’ll think about it.’

 

Changkyun should have known that he wasn’t given a choice, but a mere heads up. For the trip they are divided into groups of three and Changkyun ends up in a team consisting of Minhyuk and Kihyun, plus the two required supervisors. Usually it’s three, one for each patient, but both Changkyun and Minhyuk are considered low risk. Minhyuk never had a freak out on any trip, which is as far as miracles go for people like them.

No one yet knows about Kihyun.

He seems cold, unapproachable today. There’s ice in his gaze, something hidden beneath it, and Changkyun thinks Kihyun might have history with the city, or something related to it. In the bus he sits down next to Minhyuk, just in case.

Changkyun has been on trips before, but the first half hour is always, always overwhelming. The staff members try to ease them into it by going to a park first and then slowly making their way into the city centre but there is always someone who has a panic attack or tries to escape.

There are so many people here. So many colours, so many scents. Changkyun smells cinnamon and fresh bread, the strong odour of a man’s aftershave, catches a whiff of something rotten. There are people _everywhere_. It’s chaotic. Unforeseeable. Changkyun had time to mentally prepare himself for an out-of-routine-day, but he just never manages to prepare himself for the swirl of real life, both exhilarating and terrifying.

It’s good that Minhyuk is here. His bottomless glee about getting out of the ward again grounds Changkyun a little, even though Minhyuk is all over the place, scatter-brained, too many things fighting for his attention.

Kihyun is a pool of calm behind them, but Changkyun isn’t stupid enough to overlook the raw intensity in his eyes. It’s almost scary and he’s sure the staff members see it, too, as one of them never leaves Kihyun’s side. At least that means Kihyun won’t talk.

Things are easier when they reach the shopping mall. The tremor in Changkyun’s hands dies down and so does the terrible self-consciousness he felt whenever he passed a stranger.

They’re in a shop now, one that sells skateboards and caps and baggy t-shirts. Minhyuk dragged them all in here and is currently trying on stuff with one supervisor standing watch. The other one hangs around near Changkyun and Kihyun, giving them a bit of space.

Kihyun is browsing through a rack of jackets with careful hands. Changkyun notices that his nails are chewed impossibly short, bitten bloody. It reminds him of his own when he tried to get out of that shed as a kid, hands rough, the wounds filled with grime and earth. He can smell the damp stuffy air, the darkness a physical thing pressing against his eyeballs, not a single shape anywhere –

‘What the fuck,’ Kihyun says quietly, and Changkyun realises he’s been staring and holding his breath. He releases it now.

‘Your hands look unhealthy,’ Changkyun says as a lame excuse.

‘Your face looks unhealthy.’

‘You’re so funny.’

Kihyun holds up his hands, so Changkyun can see the scabs better. Not with malice, only curiosity. ‘Do these scare you?’

They do. Changkyun wills himself to look at Kihyun’s face instead. The coldness is still there, but not as evident anymore. ‘Why do you talk to me but no one else?’

‘I started and now I can’t just stop.’

Changkyun didn’t expect an actual answer. Kihyun looks honest enough, though. ‘Why don’t you start with the others, too?’

‘It’s not that easy.’

‘It was with me.’

‘It was necessary.’

‘All I did was play with my pen?’

‘Exactly.’

Changkyun is painfully aware of the therapist watching them from the other side of the store. Kihyun must be, too, and yet he didn’t shut up. Changkyun wonders how that whole not-talking-thing works.

‘You’re crazy.’

Kihyun smirks. ‘Tell me something I don’t know.’

 

It happens on a Friday afternoon when they are in the yard again. Changkyun is chilling in the soft sunlight while Minhyuk and Jooheon chase each other around, laughing, as carefree as they can be in a field enclosed by a five metre barbed wire fence.

He doesn’t see how it starts. All he knows is that there’s a sudden shout behind him and when he turns Kihyun is pressing Taehyun against the wall, holding him by the throat. Taehyun is struggling uselessly against Kihyun’s grip, his face turning redder by the second.

The first thought is that Changkyun definitely underestimated Kihyun’s strength.

The second is, _fuck he’s choking him_.

A lot of people at this place have encountered violence in more or less horrid ways. Ugly fights, attacks, brawls happen more often than one would possibly expect and the staff members are well prepared.

It still takes them a surprisingly long time to get to Kihyun.

Changkyun is faster. By the time he has a hand on Kihyun’s shoulder, Taehyun's face is purple, his eyes bloodshot. His struggle is dying down and Changkyun yanks Kihyun’s shoulder, hard.

It doesn’t do much. Kihyun’s face is like stone, strangely emotionless and eyebrows drawn together in concentration like he’s taking a maths test, not trying to strangle someone. Changkyun tries again and this time Kihyun budges a little, but then someone pushes him out of the way so roughly he lands on the ground.

Taehyun drops to the floor in a heaving, retching pile, a whole swarm of nurses fluttering over him at once. Changkyun looks back at Kihyun. Two security guards on each side are taking him away.

He doesn’t look sorry. He doesn’t look like he’s feeling anything, really.

Later that day, when they are sitting at lunch, Minhyuk tells them that Kihyun won’t be rooming with him for now. It’s better, he says. Doesn’t want to wake up being choked to death. Doesn’t want his face to be the last thing he sees.

 

Two days later, Kihyun is back to eating with everyone. One day more and he moves back into Minhyuk’s room. Minhyuk is not amused and so is no one else. A lot of the other patients are scared of Kihyun now.

Changkyun isn’t. He probably should be, as he’s had his fair share of violence in his life, but somehow he doesn’t care.

‘Were you really going to kill him?’ Changkyun asks him in art class.

Kihyun shrugs. ‘I don’t know.’

‘Wild.’

‘They put me on different meds now, so you’re fine.’

‘I wasn’t worried.’

‘Say that to your friend.’

Changkyun does but Minhyuk still spends every minute he can in Changkyun's and Jooheon’s room.

 

They ask him to switch with Minhyuk. Kihyun is in the office, too, and gives Changkyun an angry little shrug. _It wasn’t my idea_.

‘I know how important routines are for you, Changkyun,’ Dr Pate says sympathetically. ‘I know it will be tough. But we’re already considering your discharge and the real world doesn’t always follow routines the way you want it to. Think of it as practice, Changkyun.’

Changkyun says no at first but when he sees Minhyuk’s antics get worse he does it anyway. Damn friendship.

 

Kihyun is surprisingly acceptable to room with. Changkyun thinks it might be easier for him than for Minhyuk because he’s tidy and quiet and introverted. Changkyun can live with Kihyun’s obsessive need to have everything in symmetric straight shapes as long as Kihyun lets him do his own thing.

It’s still strange, though, without Jooheon. Changkyun would call Jooheon his best friend no matter the circumstances and he wonders how he’s supposed to find balance without him. Jooheon knows how to talk Changkyun down. Changkyun knows how to still Jooheon’s hands.

Kihyun and Changkyun don’t know anything about each other.

Which is exactly why the panic comes, in the middle of the night, when Changkyun can’t sleep. He worries so much about no one being able to comfort him that it triggers the fear and once that happens there’s no going back. Changkyun feels his lungs constrict, feels the cold sweat, the clammy hands that grab onto his shirt until it almost tears, feels himself curl up, wheezing, but he doesn’t see anything. The darkness hasn’t been a problem for a long time but here he is, here he is, here he is –

There’s a hand on his shoulder that he tries to jerk away from but it doesn’t leave. It grips him, almost hard enough to hurt.

‘Calm the fuck down,’ Kihyun says. Pinches harder.

Changkyun’s eyes snap open. Kihyun is leaning over him, one knee braced on the mattress.

The lights are on.

‘Good boy,’ Kihyun says and lets his shoulder go. ‘Want me to get a nurse?’

Changkyun shakes his head, takes a rattling breath. His chest still feels constricted.

‘You’re not going to freak once I go back to sleep, are you?’ Kihyun asks, his hand on the light switch now. He looks so utterly unfazed by all of this that Changkyun thinks it must be familiar to him. Maybe he just doesn’t care.

‘If we can keep the light on,’ Changkyun says quietly. ‘Just for tonight.’

Instead of denying it, going back to his bed or frowning, Kihyun sighs and sits down next to Changkyun, leaning against the wall. ‘Why are you here?’

‘What is this?’ Changkyun asks. ‘You have your own bed.’

‘I’m offering you a distraction.’

Changkyun would never admit it but that might be the only thing of help right now. He doesn’t know how Kihyun knows.

‘I’m here because I have issues,’ he says.

‘Duh.’

‘My mother did stuff to me.’

‘A family sob story, then.’

There’s more to it but that’s for another time. ‘Yeah. What about you?’

‘I’m just a mistake.’

Changkyun doesn’t know what that means but he has the feeling that he won’t get any more answers than Kihyun does. ‘Fair enough.’

When Changkyun wakes up the next morning, Kihyun is curled up at the other end of his bed.

 

It doesn’t change anything. Changkyun has two more panic attacks and Kihyun sleeps in his bed both times, but everything else stays the same. Mostly.

Kihyun doesn’t talk unless it’s to him but Changkyun doesn’t mind anymore. Changkyun regresses a little because of unfamiliar schedules and mixed-up rituals, but that was foreseeable. It’s natural.

It’s a little harder one late evening when Changkyun comes back from the bathroom to find Kihyun sitting on the floor, apparently trying to cut himself with a piece of paper.

‘The hell are you doing?’ Changkyun asks.

Kihyun doesn’t answer. Changkyun spots two thin red lines on the back of his left hand and he reaches down to take the paper away.

Kihyun’s head snaps up to him. Changkyun freezes. There’s something terrible in his eyes, something savage and bare, and Changkyun thinks he gets it.

‘You don’t need this paper. You already have two cuts,’ Changkyun says.

‘Give it back.’

‘Kihyun.’

Kihyun looks back down, considers his short nails. Before he can scratch himself Changkyun grabs his wrist. ‘Don’t.’

‘Let me go.’ Kihyun tugs. ‘Please.’

‘Don’t hurt yourself.’

‘I said let me go.’

It’s like it’s not Kihyun talking to Changkyun. Maybe it isn’t, not really, just the obsession. Sometimes Changkyun feels something similar, but he usually gets out of the anxiety. He’s got really good at that, thankfully.

‘I will call the nurse if you try to pull any tricks,’ Changkyun says. ‘I’m going to let you go now.’

For a moment Kihyun only sits there considering his hands. The paper cuts are only bleeding a little, nothing more than superficial scratches, but one is longer than the other, so maybe that’s what bothers him so much.

Kihyun scoots away from Changkyun and then runs his fingernails over his hand, hard.

‘Kihyun –’ He’s hard to get a hold of now, frenzied movements, slipping away, but Changkyun tries. ‘I swear to God, I’m calling Mina and then you’ll regret –’

He gets both of Kihyun’s wrists and when Kihyun kicks at him he pins him down to the floor with his whole body. Kihyun struggles against him for at least a minute before he goes lax, breathing fitfully. Changkyun can feel him shake beneath him but he doesn’t trust him enough to let go yet.

‘You’re okay. You’re fine, it’s okay,’ Changkyun says. He doesn’t know what else to do. He can feel Kihyun’s heartbeat where he’s holding his wrists, fast and terrified like a chased rabbit’s.

Kihyun says something but at first he’s too quiet for Changkyun to catch it. And then just, ‘Help me.’

But Changkyun doesn’t know how.

 

The day after Kihyun’s stunt two nurses come to their room to take every remotely sharp object they can find, ‘just in case.’ That’s not a lot of objects to begin with but Changkyun is still annoyed when they take his memo. If he’s going to be late to his appointment he’ll blame them.

Kihyun doesn’t technically appear ashamed for what happened nor does Changkyun think he should be, but somehow it’s different. They’re different with each other. Changkyun’s dislike towards Kihyun withers a little and Kihyun redirects his hostility and general coldness at other people now but not at him. Sometimes when Changkyun is fidgety Kihyun leaves the lights on at night. Changkyun pays him back by distracting him from compulsions. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t.

Then there’s the night when Changkyun dreams of his mother beating him to death with a simple rolling pin and Kihyun lets him crawl into his bed without blinking an eye, lets him press himself against his side until Changkyun’s heartbeat slows and the pictures vanish.

It’s something that Jooheon could never do for Changkyun because he gets claustrophobic when someone touches him while he sleeps.

 

Changkyun doesn’t tell anyone of those nightly events, but Jooheon and Minhyuk have known him for a while. They see the difference in how Changkyun treats Kihyun in art class or group therapy, anyway.

‘I can’t believe you’re friends with someone who tried to kill an innocent kid,’ Minhyuk says. It’s June now, so they lie on a patch of grass in the shadow.

Changkyun squints at the sky. He can almost pretend that he’s somewhere in a park, not in an institution. ‘Sometimes I can’t believe I’m friends with you, either.’

‘Rude.’

‘Does he talk to you a lot?’ Jooheon asks.

‘Not as much as you guys.’

‘What does he even talk about?’

‘Random shit?’ Changkyun sits up and looks at his friends. ‘Why do you care?’

‘Kihyun’s scary,’ Minhyuk mutters.

‘He really likes puppies, if that makes you feel any better,’ Changkyun says.

Jooheon frowns. ‘Who _doesn’t_ like puppies?’

‘Fair.’

 

Kihyun has another freak out later that week. It starts slowly, but Changkyun misses the point from where he can still bring him back, and suddenly Kihyun is clawing at his neck with urgency, rocking back and forth on his heels.

He looks so helpless. When Changkyun approaches him, he shies away like his touch burns and Changkyun doesn’t know what to do.

He calls the nurse. Kihyun will resent him for it later, but what else is there? Changkyun is just another kid with issues. He knows he has no reason to feel guilty, but the broken sobbing sound Kihyun makes when he’s taken away still haunts him that night.

 

‘Have you settled in well with Kihyun?’ Dr Pate asks.

Changkyun thinks of Kihyun’s ticks, his nagging, the sound of his breath when Changkyun hears him have a nightmare. He thinks of Kihyun’s comforting presence next to him, of the mattress dipping a little bit with his weight in the middle of the night, of his calm voice when something inside Changkyun shakes him apart.

‘I guess so,’ he says.

 

They’re starting to decrease his dose. Changkyun gets two days off to adjust, but he thinks his routine would have been more helpful. The first day he spends lying around, too groggy to notice much of his surroundings, but the second day feels like there’s restless static in his bones. His doctor advises him to take it easy, maybe go for a little stroll but nothing more, and Changkyun feels like he’s exploding with nervous energy by the time Kihyun gets back from dinner.

Kihyun takes one good look at him before he says, ‘You look like you’re going insane.’

‘Funny.’

‘You know what I mean.’

Kihyun motions for the door. ‘I’m not staying here with you.’ He leaves and Changkyun only needs a second before he jumps up. He’s a little dizzy because he’s been lazing around for so long.

Kihyun seems unfazed when Changkyun follows him through staircases, hallways, meeting rooms.

‘You do this often?’ Changkyun asks after a while.

‘Not really.’

Kihyun stops at a door, tries the door handle, and opens. It’s just another office, really, but with a huge window that looks out to a bit of nature and indigo sky.

‘I didn’t know we could just go hang out in random rooms,’ Changkyun says.

‘We don’t. I asked for a room with good acoustics, so I have special permission to come here.’

‘Good acoustics. Does that mean you sing or something?’

‘Yes, Sherlock.’

‘Shut up.’

Kihyun does. He crosses the room to sit on the desk, facing the window. Changkyun cautiously follows him inside and closes the door.

It’s silent for a long time. They just sit there and watch the sky turn inky until Changkyun’s restlessness comes back. ‘Why aren’t you singing, then?’

‘That okay with you?’

Changkyun shrugs. ‘Sure.’

So Kihyun sings.

 

‘He sings,’ Jooheon says drily. ‘I’m not sure if I believe that.’

They are at lunch and Kihyun has an appointment, so Minhyuk and Jooheon use this opportunity to question the lights out of Changkyun.

Changkyun sighs. ‘I don’t care what you believe. But I’m telling you, he sings, and he does it well.’

‘Small psycho doesn’t talk to anyone but this one weird guy who for some reason is very special. When Small Psycho starts singing Weird Guy is entranced and can no longer withstand the blooming romance…’ Minhyuk says and Changkyun promptly slaps his thigh. ‘Ow! Can’t a guy make a joke anymore?’

A slow smirk appears on Jooheon’s face while he watches Changkyun. ‘You care.’

‘I don’t,’ Changkyun says but while he says it he wonders. Is that still true? Maybe he does care a little bit about Kihyun. But that’s not special. Changkyun cares about a lot of things.

‘Sure. Do you think he’s handsome?’ Minhyuk asks, grinning. ‘Just for the record.’

‘No,’ Changkyun says, but that, too, comes out a habit and not a truth.

 

One evening after dinner Changkyun is sitting on Kihyun’s bed with him, just talking. They do it more often these days. Changkyun has accepted that they are sort of friends now.

‘How long have you actually been here?’ Kihyun asks.

‘About eight months.’

‘Damn. I wonder what you were like at first.’

‘What do you think? I was a mess.’

‘You’re still a mess.’

‘Says the wreck.’

‘I won’t need eight months.’

‘That’s right, you’ll need three years.’

‘Shut the hell up.’

‘Oh? Running out of remarks?’

‘I don’t belong here.’

Changkyun takes Kihyun’s right arm and turns it over until they can both see the old burn marks from when he got too close to the sheet pan. Kihyun couldn’t just have one, he’d said. And then he couldn’t stop.

‘Yes, you do,’ Changkyun says softly. ‘You belong here like all of us. But that’s okay.’

 

Changkyun wakes up to screaming. At first he thinks it’s him and his mind immediately conjures a picture of his mother raising the branch she found in the garden, right after she realised that Changkyun made it out of the shed again. She’s going to kill him. He knows it.

But the screaming doesn’t stop. Changkyun would have stopped.

His eyes snap open to absolute darkness. It takes a second for his sleep-drunk hand to hit the switch and then another for him to adjust to the sudden brightness.

It’s Kihyun. Who else would it be? He is pressed into the corner of his bed, folded impossibly small against the wall, every single muscle tense. His eyes are screwed shut and there are lines on his cheeks that would look like dimples if the expression wasn’t so horrified. He’s screaming at the top of his lungs.

‘Kihyun,’ Changkyun says, getting up and scrambling over to his roommate. ‘Kihyun, wake up.’

Kihyun’s voice breaks off, but only for him to take a breath. Patients being noisy at night are not unheard of in a place full of crazy people, but Changkyun doesn’t want the nurses to come. He doesn’t want them to take Kihyun away. He knows Kihyun hates them.

So Changkyun unceremoniously claps a hand over Kihyun’s mouth and forces him to shut up. Kihyun’s own hands fly up to pry at him but not with a lot of strength, and he keeps his eyes shut.

Changkyun waits. Kihyun drops his arms and his fingers dig into his thighs instead, white knuckled and desperate.

‘Kihyun,’ Changkyun says again. ‘I’m going to take away my hand now. Please look at me.’

Kihyun doesn’t but Changkyun lets him go anyway.

It’s strange to look at him. Hard, even. Changkyun sees his own fears mirrored back at him and fights against the trigger; it’s like Kihyun is cowering away from something or someone that’s trying to hit him. Like Changkyun is trying to hit him.

Changkyun can’t stand to see him like this. ‘Snap out of it. Now.’

Kihyun takes a shuddering breath that sounds more like a wail. Changkyun reaches forward and grips Kihyun’s shoulder. ‘You’re okay. You can open your eyes now. It’s just me.’

When Kihyun does look at him Changkyun sees the savageness again, the sliver of ice, but most prominent, still, the terror.

‘You’re okay,’ Changkyun says for good measure.

Kihyun doesn’t look like he really sees Changkyun or even recognises him but he goes from stabbing his fingers into his legs to holding on to them instead.

‘It was just a nightmare,’ Changkyun says.

Kihyun drops his forehead against his knees. His shoulders start to shake and Changkyun realises that he is crying. It starts softly but it soon turns into the sort of crying someone does when they absolutely cannot hold it in anymore.

Changkyun can’t really handle that kind of thing, should probably call the nurse anyway, but he doesn’t. Instead he sits down next to Kihyun and holds his hand until the sobs ebb away and his breathing evens out a little.

Kihyun makes a noise like he’s trying to say something, voice raw and hiccupping, but the words don’t come out.

‘It’s fine,’ Changkyun says. ‘You’re awake now. It was just a dream.’

Kihyun makes another small sound and Changkyun holds his hand a little tighter. He doesn’t let it go until long after Kihyun falls asleep, head against his shoulder.

 

‘I don’t think he’s getting better,’ Changkyun says. ‘He’s getting worse. I don’t know how to deal with it.’

Minhyuk eyes him like he’s an alien. ‘You’re not meant to deal with it. You’re just here trying to get better yourself.’

‘I can’t just let him sit on his bed choking on his own tears.’

‘Then call the nurses. They’re trained to deal with that,’ Jooheon says.

‘Kihyun hates the nurses.’

‘Changkyun,’ Minhyuk says seriously. ‘It’s not your job to take care of him. It’s not your job to _care_. You get better by focussing on yourself and not some other crazy kid.’

Changkyun thinks it’s kind of funny coming from a person who can’t focus for longer than three seconds. ‘If only he would talk to someone else. Like his therapists.’

‘Stop caring,’ Jooheon says. ‘He’s making you get worse, too.’

 

Changkyun wishes his friends weren’t right. He and Kihyun are sitting in their room one day, silently waiting for lunch time to roll by. Someone in group therapy had a mental breakdown, so they were let out early and Changkyun is thinking about how he wastes his energy on Kihyun instead of himself.

‘You need to start talking to someone,’ he says eventually.

Kihyun stays quiet, so he keeps going. ‘You know they can help you, right? It’s why you’re here. I can see you’re getting worse and I’m not even a professional.’

‘I don’t belong here,’ Kihyun says.

‘You have issues! Of course you do.’

‘Why do you care, anyway? From what I’m getting you’ll be out of here in no time.’

‘Until then I’ll have to live with you, though, and it’s terrible to watch you do shit to yourself. It triggers me. It affects my process.’

‘Look at me giving a fuck.’

‘We’d both benefit from _your_ progress.’

Kihyun’s emotionless face is nothing but a mask. Changkyun knows that but that doesn’t make it less horrifying. ‘I think we’d both benefit from you shutting your mouth.’

‘Come on, man, I’m just trying to help.’

‘I wish I never started talking to you.’

The slight flare of anger makes Changkyun’s hands itch. Maybe he could shake some sense into Kihyun, maybe that would just make it worse. ‘One day you’re going to realise I was right but I won’t be here for you to thank me, because I’ll be out there in the real world enjoying my hard-earned sanity. If you put in a little more effort you could have that too, sooner or later. And I know it’s what you want because I know you hate it here. The thing is hate doesn’t get you anywhere; healing does. You need to start playing along if you ever want to get out and you better start soon before they get any better ideas for you.’

‘You know me so well, Changkyun,’ Kihyun says quietly, his eyes dark and assessing. ‘But I think that’s enough.’

It’s the last thing he says to him.

 

The return of Kihyun’s muteness affects Changkyun in more than one way. For one, he’s annoyed. The room is suddenly too quiet and the silence presses against Changkyun’s ears sometimes, makes him anxious. For two, it makes him feel guilty. Dr Pate assures him it’s not his fault and he’s done more than enough, but it feels like a feeble attempt at comfort.

And it’s not like Kihyun only stopped talking to him. He stopped doing anything with him. When the next nightmare comes Changkyun has to get out of it alone, because Kihyun simply rolls around in his bed and ignores his gasped breaths.

Jooheon and Minhyuk sure are glad about this turn of events. Gives Changkyun more time to focus on himself, they say. One of them has to make it out, at least.

 

Changkyun tries to ignore Kihyun as well, he really does, but when he sees blood on Kihyun’s sheets he can’t.

Kihyun isn’t here but Changkyun thinks he knows where he might be.

The office looks the same as before, but this time the sky is a numb grey. The fading light washes out the warmth, makes the blue carpet seem black, makes Kihyun’s skin pale.

The crimson on his hands is a splash of colour in the upcoming dark.

‘Kihyun.’ Changkyun crosses the room to stop in front of Kihyun where he’s sitting on the desk. His right hand is drenched in red and Changkyun can’t tell where the wound is at first. Some of the blood is starting to dry, dark stains on his skin, all the way across his palm, running from his fingers down to his wrist. ‘What the hell did you do?’

Kihyun doesn’t react, his vacant stare still directed at the window.

Changkyun takes Kihyun’s hand carefully and turns it until he can see a little better. Then he drops it and stumbles back a step, nausea rolling in his stomach.

Apparently Kihyun tried to rip out his own fingernail. He was only half successful.

The blood is now on Changkyun’s hands, too, brings back memories he buried deep, but he shoves them down, down, down. Now is not the time. Now is not the place.

‘I have to get you to the nurses’ station,’ Changkyun says and doesn’t recognise his own voice.

Kihyun sees right through him. Changkyun takes a deep breath and gives Kihyun’s hands a closer look. There’s so much red that he can’t really see anything but bits of shredded skin around where his index finger’s nail should be.

He wipes his hands clean on his sweats and takes Kihyun’s left hand. There’s less blood on it. He tugs until Kihyun slips off the desk and onto his feet and Changkyun drags him out of the grey room.

He didn’t know a hurt nail could bleed that much. Kihyun’s right hand dangles on his side and the crimson drops onto the floor.

Changkyun almost runs into Wonho, who slitters to a halt and stares at them with big eyes. ‘Changkyun – what happened?’

‘I don’t know,’ Changkyun says. ‘I found him like this. He needs medical attention.’

‘Yeah, I can see that. I’ll take care of it; you go back to your room and wait for dinner, yeah? See if Jooheon’s there.’ Wonho puts a gentle hand on Kihyun’s shoulder to lead him away but before Changkyun can leave Kihyun grabs his hand in a vice like grip.

‘Kihyun –’

Kihyun doesn’t let go. Changkyun sees his chest rise and fall rapidly, feels the urgency in his fingers as he intertwines them with Changkyun’s.

‘Guess I better come along,’ Changkyun says.

 

Kihyun doesn’t look at Changkyun but doesn’t let him go, either. He winces when Wendy, one of the older nurses, cleans his hands and treats the half ripped-off nail.

‘Kihyun, you’ve got to let your friend go for a moment,’ Wendy says gently. ‘I need to wash your other hand, too.’

Kihyun only holds on tighter.

‘It’s fine. I’m not going anywhere. Promise,’ Changkyun says.

Changkyun washes his own hands, too, when Kihyun does let go, but he keeps his words. Wendy bandages Kihyun's hand and then looks him square in the face.

‘I’m going to have to keep you here tonight, honey,’ she says. ‘We have to keep an eye on you for now.’

Kihyun makes a desperate sound in the back of his throat, a sound Changkyun knows so well by now. They are just making it worse by taking him away, Changkyun thinks. But at the same time he doesn’t have any better ideas. Changkyun is a patient himself, he can’t keep watch.

Changkyun gives his shoulder a squeeze. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow.’

He doesn’t sleep that night.

 

‘What else happened when he came back to your room?’ Dr Pate asks. She is smiling like always but today her face is tense. They are thinking of taking Kihyun away, Changkyun knows now. They are thinking of putting Kihyun on 24/7 watch, in a different section, in his own room. His own prison.

It would ruin everything. This morning when they let Kihyun move back in the first thing Kihyun did was crush himself against Changkyun’s chest with a fierce embrace, nearly knocking Changkyun over. Changkyun hadn’t been hugged like that in years and at first it felt claustrophobic, but Kihyun’s warm frame melted away every fear.

He’d hugged him back, buried his nose in Kihyun’s nape while Kihyun was fighting for control over his emotions.

Changkyun thinks of Kihyun’s scent now, how he thought they would all smell the same because they all use the same shampoo, but somehow Kihyun didn’t. He just smelled like Kihyun.

‘Not much,’ Changkyun says. ‘We sat down and did nothing until lunch.’

That’s not true but Changkyun isn’t about to tell her that he held Kihyun’s wrists until he stopped trying to pick at the bandage, isn’t about to tell her about the mumbled ‘I’m sorry’, repeated until Kihyun’s voice turned sluggish and inaudible. He isn’t going to tell her that he waited until Kihyun fell asleep pressed against his chest before he let go.

Dr Pate sighs. ‘Do you feel like this is too much for you to handle, Changkyun?’

Changkyun knows it is but he shakes his head. ‘I’m fine.’

‘I don’t want to jeopardise your mental wellbeing by helping another patient. If you feel, at any point, like you cannot do that anymore, do tell us and we will arrange something. Kihyun might not stay your roommate for long, anyway.’

‘Don’t take him away,’ Changkyun says.

‘He gives you trouble, Changkyun. It is not your responsibility to help him, it is ours.’

 _You’re not doing a very good job_ , Changkyun wants to say but bites his cheek. ‘I’m good for now.’

‘Promise me you’ll let me know when you’re overwhelmed.’

‘I promise.’

But Changkyun thinks of Kihyun’s eyes when he crossed the room to hug him, the sheer need to be close written all over him. He thinks of what might have happened if he hadn’t been there or if he hadn’t come to find Kihyun in the office.

It’s too late to turn back now.

 

Kihyun talks to him again but he lost most of his sass. Changkyun tries to bring it back but it only results in tense silences and depressed looks.

Something else changes. They have always found comfort in each other’s presence but they take it a step farther; more often than not they sleep in one bed together, Kihyun’s forehead against Changkyun’s shoulder blades, legs tangled. Sometimes Changkyun slips his hand into Kihyun’s. Sometimes Kihyun wraps an arm around his waist.

Changkyun isn’t sure how it happened but he finds that he likes it. It calms him down, falling asleep knowing someone else is there, is close enough to keep the nightmares at bay if need be.

Kihyun seems to like it, too. Something irreversible happened to him in that time when he stopped talking to Changkyun but slowly a bit of warmth comes back to his eyes. It’s good enough for now. At least for Changkyun.

 

Apparently not enough for the doctors, because a week later they take Kihyun away ‘for a two weeks trial to see how he does’. Dr Pate assures Changkyun that it’s good for him too, because they are putting him on even less meds, bringing him down to the lowest dose he had ever since he came here.

But without Kihyun in it, without _anyone_ else in it, the room is just a room. At night Changkyun’s bed is too cold and his own breath too loud. There are no distractions from Changkyun’s now uninhibited thoughts and after two days of nightmarish fantasies he decides to stop sleeping. It results in him getting sleeping pills. At least he won’t have to think about Kihyun in his tiny single room with white walls and closed windows anymore.

 

‘Dude, you miss him,’ Jooheon says without opening his eyes. They are outside, lying on the grass. It’s August and the sun tries to burn them.

‘So what? He’s my friend,’ Changkyun replies.

‘It’s co-dependency,’ Minhyuk comments.

‘It’s not. I don’t depend on him.’

‘Not so sure about that,’ says Jooheon.

Minhyuk sighs, restlessly picks at the grass. ‘Anyway, you’ll get him back in five days, if you’re lucky. Then you can figure this out.’

‘There’s nothing to figure out.’

Jooheon opens his eyes and gives Changkyun a long hard look. ‘For someone who is to be let out soon you’re surprisingly delusional.’

Minhyuk laughs.

 

Kihyun comes back a shadow of himself. Changkyun saw a lot of shit in his time here but he’s still shocked into silence when he sees how much weight Kihyun lost, how much of himself. This time it’s him who initiates the hug and he doesn’t let go for a long time.

‘Why did they keep you for three weeks?’ Changkyun asks when the nurse is gone and they sit on the floor.

‘Because they didn’t trust me,’ Kihyun whispers back.

‘Now they do?’

Kihyun slants a look at him. There’s nothing behind his eyes. They killed him. ‘They have to.’

 

‘How are you coming along? Kihyun tells us you’re quieter now.’

‘I’m okay,’ Changkyun says, then doubles back in his brain. ‘Wait. Kihyun _tells_ you?’

Dr Pate smiles. ‘He does indeed.’

‘ _What?_ ’

‘He gave us an angle and we didn’t ignore the opportunity.’

Changkyun stays silent, thoughts whirring. ‘You _pressured_ him?’

‘We would never, Changkyun. You know that. But we made him an offer.’

‘You forced him to talk in order to be let out.’

Dr Pate’s smile doesn’t waver, though she must hear the anger in Changkyun’s voice. ‘We gave him a choice. He had time to decide and reorganise his priorities, and it made him discover a few things about himself, I believe. It certainly taught us a few things about him that will enable us to give him a more effective treatment. And it put into perspective what part you play in his progress.’

‘This has nothing to with me,’ Changkyun says.

But Dr Pate just grins wider. ‘Do you know the first thing he said to us?’

Changkyun shakes his head.

“Let me go back to him.”

 

‘Dr Pate told me why they let you out,’ Changkyun says quietly. It must be around five am and he and Kihyun are lying in his bed, close enough to feel the warmth, not close enough to be suffocating. Since Kihyun came back they have taken away Changkyun’s sleep meds again and he’s still adjusting. Kihyun is a light sleeper and woke up when Changkyun grew too restless.

‘What a snake,’ Kihyun says. ‘Confidential my ass.’

Changkyun is incredibly grateful for that tiny bit of snark. ‘I bet she talks shit about all her patients. Why did you say that, though?’

‘It gave them enough incentive.’

‘But now you’re stuck talking to them forever.’

‘If that means being here instead of there I can live with it for now.’

‘How terrible was it?’

Kihyun is quiet for a moment and Changkyun wishes he could see Kihyun’s expression. ‘I was alone and I shouldn’t have been.’

‘But now you’re not anymore.’

‘Yeah.’

‘I didn’t realise I was that important.’

‘Then you’re pretty stupid.’

Kihyun’s hands find Changkyun’s face in the dark and pull him closer until he presses their mouths together, just like that. Kihyun tastes like the mint toothpaste they all use and something else, something that is entirely Kihyun, and it makes Changkyun sigh against Kihyun’s lips.

It’s what it should always feel like, to be alive, Changkyun thinks when Kihyun briefly lets go. No one would ever end up in a mental institution.

 

Everyone is in Dr Pate’s office, all his therapists, the teachers, Wonho, Shownu. Dr Pate’s smile is delighted, over the moon, almost insane.

‘We set the date of release to the 20th of October,’ she says with uninhibited glee. ‘Congratulations, Changkyun. We are all so proud of you.’

The real world. A faraway dream coming true. Changkyun thinks of days spent reading as long as he wants to, thinks of going outside when it rains, thinks of getting to choose what to eat for dinner. He thinks of taking care of his own medication, of not having a nurse a call away, of stepping out of the door and not knowing where to go.

He thinks of Kihyun staying behind.

The panic comes with so much force it knocks the breath out of his lungs.

 

‘Damn, congrats,’ Kihyun says later that day, when Changkyun worked up the nerve to tell him. ‘Was about time, I guess.’

Changkyun hears the undertone anyway. ‘It’s still over a month away.’

‘What are you going to do? When you’re out there, I mean? Do you have a home?’

Changkyun hasn’t had a home in a while, but he’ll have a place to stay. His dad will pick him up and take him in and while that’s not ideal, it’s still the best he can get. He’s not sure he wants to talk about this, though, the future and all its alternative universes. He looks at Kihyun’s carefully constructed expression, sees past the nonchalance and looks at the worry instead. ‘I do. Do you?’

‘I’m not going anywhere anytime soon,’ Kihyun says. ‘You’ve got to write me letters.’

‘Maybe they’ll let me visit.’

‘Don’t kid yourself.’

‘Maybe they’ll let you write back.’

‘Aren’t you happy?’ Kihyun gets up from his bed and sits down next to Changkyun.

‘Of course I am.’

‘You don’t look like it.’

‘It’s a lot to take in. I have to get used to the thought first.’

Kihyun tries so, so hard to hide his feelings, but Changkyun has known him for long enough now.

‘I won’t forget this, you know?’ he says. ‘I won’t forget you.’

Kihyun takes Changkyun’s hand and kisses his knuckles, eyes closed. ‘Maybe it would be better if you did.’

 

Jooheon’s and Minhyuk’s reaction make Changkyun feel a little better. They are ecstatic and try to convince Changkyun to go sneak into the kitchen to steal cake because ‘when do we ever have something to celebrate?’

With Changkyun being the voice of reason, they end up in the common room to play some games instead. Minhyuk wins all of them, as always, but it takes most worries off Changkyun’s mind.

‘What did Kihyun say to the news?’ Jooheon asks.

Changkyun still hasn’t told them that Kihyun kissed him or that they sleep in the same bed or that Changkyun’s heart flutters weirdly whenever Kihyun smiles. ‘He’s happy for me.’

‘But not for himself,’ Minhyuk completes.

‘Yeah.’

‘And you’re worried,’ Jooheon adds.

‘Yeah.’

‘Damn,’ Minhyuk says. ‘Whatever you guys got going on, it’s just making life harder.’

 

It is hard. Changkyun feels the urgency every time he wakes up, like it could somehow make Kihyun heal faster, like _he_ could make him better if he just tried harder.

‘Do you want to sit with us?’ Changkyun asks Kihyun one afternoon when everyone is on their way outside. Jooheon and Minhyuk are running ahead, playing tag but their energy will fade quickly in the late summer heat. ‘You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to.’

Kihyun thinks for two steps, then shrugs. ‘Sure.’

Minhyuk opens his mouth to quip something when Kihyun joins them on the green, but Changkyun throws him a strict look. Jooheon eyes both of them warily. Kihyun finds a pebble and starts fidgeting with it.

No one says anything. Minhyuk is probably annoyed with Changkyun since he can’t gossip about Kihyun with Kihyun right here and Changkyun feels self-conscious, like his affection for Kihyun and what they do at night are somehow written across his forehead.

Then Kihyun says, ‘Is this all you do, sit around and stare into nothing?’ and everyone’s jaws drop.

‘You _talk_?’ Minhyuk asks incredulously. ‘To _us_?’

‘Now I do,’ Kihyun says.

‘This is a miracle,’ Minhyuk replies.

‘Your voice is so normal,’ Jooheon says. ‘Why say something now?’

‘The silence was stressing me out.’

‘You really are weird.’

Jooheon scoffs at Minhyuk. ‘You’re one to talk, nut job.’

Minhyuk ignores him and leans into Kihyun’s space instead. ‘Tell me. Is it true that you like puppies?’

‘Who doesn’t?’ Kihyun frowns. ‘Changkyun, what the hell do you say about me?’

‘Only the truth,’ Changkyun defends.

‘Not sure if I believe that,’ Kihyun says.

‘Don’t worry,’ says Jooheon. ‘Changkyun adores you for reasons unbeknownst to mankind.’

‘The fuck.’ Changkyun tries and fails not to blush.

Kihyun laughs an actual laugh next to him. Changkyun can’t remember the last time he heard that sound. ‘Aw, Changkyun, how come I don’t know about this?’

‘He’s a little shy sometimes when things get important,’ Minhyuk quips.

‘You’re all snakes,’ Changkyun says. ‘I don’t appreciate this.’

‘Don’t lie, you love us,’ Jooheon says.

Kihyun pushes Changkyun with his shoulder. ‘That’s right. You do.’

 

‘I can’t believe you’re such a… such a little bitch,’ Changkyun says later, when all the lights are turned off and Kihyun is brushing his lips over Changkyun’s throat.

‘Wow. Such eloquence. That really hit hard.’

‘Teaming up with my friends. Distracting them from the fact that… that you freaking talked to them by dragging me. The ultimate betrayal.’

‘Changkyun.’

‘Teasing me just because – _ah_.’ Kihyun bit him but not hard enough to really hurt. ‘Fuck. Do that again.’

Kihyun does. His hands wander under Changkyun’s shirt, explore the soft planes and valleys, dip lower until they find the waistband. Changkyun’s breath goes fast but he feels Kihyun’s chest against his back at the same pace.

‘If you don’t shut up about this I’ll go sleep in my own bed,’ Kihyun whispers, licks at the spot right behind Changkyun’s jaw. ‘I’ll leave you like this and tell Minhyuk how ugly you are when you cry.’

Changkyun needs a moment to gather his wits. ‘Everyone’s ugly when they cry.’

‘You especially.’

‘Don’t leave.’

Changkyun knows Kihyun’s smirking without even looking at him but at least he doesn’t say anything, goes back to placing gentle kisses on Changkyun’s jugular, his nimble fingers searching and finding what they were looking for.

 

‘It’s not possible to stay in contact with the other patients once I’m out, is it?’ Changkyun asks Dr Pate. He already knows the answer, he just can’t let it go.

Dr Pate smiles placidly. ‘Letters and packages will be checked by security, but delivered once approved.’

‘I mean, as in visiting.’

‘Oh Changkyun,’ Dr Pate says. ‘Visits for closed section patients are immediate family only, if any.’

‘Okay,’ Changkyun says, like it doesn’t matter.

But it does matter. And it’s not okay. Neither Jooheon nor Minhyuk are ready to go yet and Changkyun will miss both of them with a ferocity that he has yet to understand. He just knows he will. They have been his best friends through all his time here, have picked up the broken mess he was when he arrived, have helped him ease into the mundane institution life. They’ve been there for each other. Changkyun doesn’t know what will happen without their steady friendship and their support or their stupid jokes.

And he knows he will miss Kihyun, will miss his presence that is so much bigger than his size, will miss whatever they are to each other.

Of course it will be incredible to be out but it comes at a price that’s hard to pay.

 

It’s group therapy. Wonho is smiling at the loose circle of kids with heavy pasts and strangely wired brains like it could heal them. Changkyun is glad he’s here, that he’ll stay here. Wonho would never give up on anyone, especially not when they’ve already given up on themselves.

‘Since we’ve got a few new faces today, let’s introduce ourselves and our stories,’ Wonho says. ‘I’m Wonho, I’m here because I care about you kids. I like working out and I really don’t like rainy days. Sarah, would you like to go next?’

Sarah likes chocolate. She doesn’t like bananas. Changkyun knows that without having to listen.

They make their way around the circle. Kihyun is a little fidgety next to Changkyun and he hopes Wonho will take care of him once he’s gone. He hopes Kihyun will let someone else in.

Changkyun is feeling generous today, so he says he likes going on trips and dislikes dreams. Wonho smiles appreciatively.

No one expects Kihyun to talk, so when he does everyone – everything – stops. Changkyun snaps his head around to stare at him but he’s just looking at his hands. One of his scabs is picked open, bleeding a little.

‘I like singing and I hate water,’ Kihyun says. ‘And I’m here because I killed someone.’

 

Changkyun has to know the whole story. He has to know that there’s some background information. All through History class he can’t think of anything but Kihyun’s calm demeanour as he basically confessed that he’s a murderer and Changkyun’s brain refuses to take that new knowledge for what it is.

But when he does see Kihyun in their room after lunch he doesn’t have the guts to ask.

Changkyun thinks of Taehyun, of Kihyun’s face when he choked him. He thinks of ‘you’re fine’ and ‘they’ve put me on new meds’. He thinks of Kihyun’s small frame and his hidden strength and how gentle his hands are when they touch him.

‘You can ask me,’ Kihyun says from where he’s lying on his bed.

‘I’m not yet sure if I want to know,’ Changkyun replies.

‘It was self-defence.’

The meaning of that slowly trickles into Changkyun’s consciousness like fresh water. He releases his breath. ‘Couldn’t you have told the group? Now everyone thinks you’re a serial killer or something.’

‘I used up my words. I don’t care anyway.’ Kihyun sits up. ‘Did _you_ think I was a serial killer?’

‘You never really told me why you’re here. And you’re pretty messed up if you ask me. It’s got to come from somewhere.’

‘I guess that’s fair.’

It’s quiet for a while.

‘He tried to drown me, you know,’ Kihyun says then. ‘So I drowned him. I can’t look at anything bigger than a bathtub and I can’t stand under the shower. It ruined the sea for me.’

‘Damn. Why the self-harm then? The OCD?’ Changkyun asks.

‘I hate not being in control. It makes me so angry, you know? I hurt myself, so I won’t hurt others, and the relief of compulsions give me a sense of control if only for the moment. That’s what they told me, anyway. I wasn’t aware of this before but I guess they’re right. I’m just trying to cope.’

‘Makes sense,’ Changkyun says. ‘My mother hates me. I don’t know why. She got violent when I turned four and my dad went to America. She did all kinds of shit to me.’

‘Fucks you up. You’re not going back to your family, are you?’

‘Only to my dad.’

Kihyun gives him a scrutinising look. ‘He never did anything to you?’

‘No. But he never did anything against mum, either, after he found out. I know it’s not ideal but it’s only until I’ve found something better. And I kind of owe him since he’s paying for all my therapy and shit.’

‘I hope it works out for you.’

‘For you, too.’

Changkyun feels like he’s already saying goodbye, though he still has a few weeks left. His heart is so heavy in his chest now, looking at Kihyun and thinking of him with a different roommate, sleeping in someone else’s bed.

Changkyun closes the distance between them.

 

Jooheon and Minhyuk are less surprised and more miserable when Changkyun tells them what’s actually going on between Kihyun and him. Changkyun prepared himself for immature jokes, shock, possibly repulsion, but not for pity.

‘This sucks, man,’ Jooheon says. ‘What if he kills someone else because you’re not here to take the edge off?’

‘He didn’t murder anyone,’ Changkyun reminds him.

‘Still pretty bad.’

‘And you’ll miss him,’ Minhyuk adds. ‘It will distract you from settling in well. It might be difficult.’

‘I know.’

‘It’s too late for all this, is it?’ Jooheon asks.

‘Yeah.’

‘Oh Changkyun,’ Minhyuk says and comfortingly rubs his shoulder. ‘Did no one tell you not to fall for a psycho?’

 

Two weeks to go. The only meds Changkyun is on now are antidepressants and his anxiety pills. He’s been allocated a therapist who has an office close to where he is going to live and she comes in with Dr Pate’s sessions. To get used to her and stuff. It works.

They also let him roam now. He’s not under a close watch anymore and between his classes he can go wherever he wants, but he still ends up hanging out with Jooheon, Minhyuk, and Kihyun.

Changkyun is glad Kihyun’s talking to them now. It’s two weeks to go and Kihyun will need someone else to ask for comfort.

 

‘What if they give me a roommate who leaves his dirty socks on my bed?’ Kihyun asks quietly.

‘He wouldn’t do it for long,’ Changkyun says.

‘But what if he would?’

‘Maybe you’ll get a roommate who is super tidy and will nag _you_.’

‘Never.’

‘Maybe it will be someone really nice.’

They are both quiet for a while, listening to each other’s breaths.

‘What if I don’t get a new roommate?’ Kihyun asks. ‘What if they take me away again?’

Changkyun thought about that, too. About Kihyun, alone in a single, with no one to wake him up from nightmares, with nothing to distract him from compulsions, with no chance at being held together by another pair of arms.

‘They won’t do that,’ Changkyun says. ‘They can’t.’

‘They would.’

‘If you give them a reason to. But you won’t.’

Kihyun doesn’t reply.

 

Suddenly it’s three days. They have asked him if he wants his possessions back, the ones from when he arrived here. The only thing Changkyun can remember is a box of matches. He tells them no.

His dad will pick him up at 10 am, Sunday. Everyone gets out of art class to watch him leave. Changkyun wishes they wouldn’t. It’d be easier if he could just vanish, if he didn’t have to look at his friends’ faces, knowing they had to stay.

Kihyun is quiet lately. Changkyun knows why but it’s still disconcerting. He keeps telling him that it will be okay, that it’s not the end, that they will keep in touch, but really, he can’t promise that. It’s a wish, nothing more.

That night Kihyun goes to sleep in his own bed. Changkyun stares at his back for a full minute but the words for the question never come. He hears Kihyun toss and turn when he fails to fall asleep until Changkyun finally can’t endure it anymore. He can’t sleep, either.

‘Come over.’

The sheets rustle in the dark. ‘I’ll have to get used to this.’

‘After Sunday, yes,’ Changkyun says. ‘But not now.’

There’s a long silence before Kihyun throws back the blanket and crawls into Changkyun’s bed, fits himself against his side with practiced ease.

‘I’ll never sleep again,’ Kihyun says miserably.

‘If I find out you’re not putting in enough effort to get out I’ll break in just to kick your ass,’ Changkyun says but what he thinks is _me neither_.

 

Everyone is looking at him. The middle aged man next to him is more or less a stranger, if it weren’t for the nose he recognises as his own. There’s a bag on the floor for him. Changkyun doesn’t know what’s in it. He doesn’t have anything.

Everyone is looking at him and making it ten times harder.

‘We wish you all the best, Changkyun,’ Dr Pate says happily and squeezes his shoulder. ‘If you have any worries or questions, I have given your dad my contact information. Feel free to email or call me whenever you feel the need to.’

‘Thank you,’ Changkyun says. For now he means it. They haven’t healed him but they have helped make him okay.

Dr Pate turns away and smiles at the group of patients and staff. Wonho is teary-eyed as always when someone leaves, Shownu has his Buddha expression on, and Minhyuk is clutching Jooheon’s hand.

Kihyun’s face doesn’t say anything. Vacated. He left before Changkyun could. Changkyun looks at the sharp angle of his eyebrows, the line of his nose, the slope of his mouth. He looks at his short fingers with the shorter nails and the two moles on the side of his neck. He looks at Kihyun’s eyes, sees nothing there but knows what he’s feeling anyway.

Changkyun has to look away.

‘Right,’ the stranger says cheerily. ‘Let’s get you home, kid.’

None of the other patients are allowed to touch him, so he waves at them. A few wave back. Minhyuk gives him a lopsided smile, Jooheon a thumbs up. Kihyun just looks.

Changkyun turns and follows his father outside.

 

It’s ten days after his release when Jooheon sends him the first letter. Life in the real world is exhausting, terrifying, new. No one is there to tell him when to be where. He has no schedule except for his weekly therapy sessions. The freedom is suffocating.

The first week he didn’t sleep. They gave him some sleep meds but it’s not the same. Changkyun’s father has no experience, doesn’t even know him well enough to understand his condition and why he’s so apathetic these days, but he buys Changkyun clothes and asks him what he wants for dinner every day.

In the letter Jooheon updates him on the usual stuff: who came, who left, who stayed. They have taken him off close watch since he’s doing well. Changkyun makes a mental note to congratulate him in his answer later.

But Jooheon also writes this:

_Kihyun went nuts the other day. I think he misses you. They got him a new roommate, a huge guy with some sort of schizophrenia, and Kihyun almost killed him. They took him away after that. I haven’t seen him in two days now but I’m sure he’ll be fine. He talks to us now and we talk to him. We all miss you._

He goes on about some funny thing that happened but Changkyun’s brain remains stuck on Kihyun.

Changkyun misses them, too.

 

‘Hey buddy,’ Changkyun’s father asks later that day. ‘Are you alright?’

Changkyun shakes his head.

‘Do you wanna call Dr Pate? Or have a hot chocolate?’

 _Both_ , Changkyun thinks. ‘Yeah.’

Even through the phone Changkyun can hear Dr Pate’s smile.

‘I don’t know what to do,’ Changkyun says. ‘I don’t know how to deal with this. How is Kihyun?’

‘You’re not a direct patient anymore, so I am not allowed to tell you, Changkyun,’ she says.

‘Please. Just tell me he’s okay.’

‘Don’t worry. We’ll take care of him.’

‘Promise me. Promise me you get him out of there.’

‘We’ll do our best, as always.’

Changkyun doesn’t believe her. They took him away, after all. ‘Can you tell him something for me?’

She hesitates. She’s going to lie. ‘Sure, Changkyun.’

‘Tell him I’m waiting for him.’

Changkyun is sure she won’t. When his dad comes back with the hot chocolate he sets it down and wordlessly joins Changkyun on the couch, awkwardly offering a hug. He smells like newspapers and shower gel, not quite familiar, not quite strange. Changkyun cries into his chest until he’s empty.

 

‘The real world is crazy,’ Minhyuk says, stirring his cocoa. ‘The other day I saw someone complain to a store manager because her child almost swallowed a sock. So wild.’

Changkyun would have bet a big amount of money that Jooheon would get out first, but here Minhyuk sits, bright and happy, his hair now dyed blond, two months after Changkyun’s release. Changkyun is incredibly proud of him.

Minhyuk takes a deep breath. ‘It was super weird to not get woken up at six anymore. My body is so used to it I still wake up early. Will that ever stop?’

‘It will. I was the same.’

‘And the self-management. I have so much freedom now that I don’t know what to do with it. I kind of can’t wait until school starts.’

Changkyun grins. ‘The teachers will have a lot of fun with you.’

‘Yes, because I’m hilarious.’ Minhyuk grins back but it slowly slips off his face. ‘Do you still miss him? Kihyun?’

‘Of course I do.’

There’s something Minhyuk isn’t saying. Changkyun can tell from his jumpy gaze and insecure hands.

‘What is it?’ he asks.

‘You don’t want to hear this.’

‘But I have to.’

Minhyuk sighs. ‘Kihyun isn’t doing well. Like, at all.’

Changkyun was afraid that would happen. Kihyun didn’t answer any of his letters, if they didn’t allow him or if he chose not to he doesn’t know. ‘How bad?’

‘Really bad. Like, self-harm intensifies bad. Compulsions through the roof bad.’

Changkyun was afraid but not prepared. It hurts. It hurts.

‘I’m not saying this to be an asshole,’ Minhyuk says carefully. ‘I’m saying this as your friend. Maybe it would be better if you took a step back and let it go for a while. I don’t think Kihyun’s going anywhere anytime soon. I don’t want you to hold on to something like this. It only keeps you there, you know? But you’re _here_ now and that means you get to move on.’

‘He’s strong. He’ll make it.’ Changkyun blinks his eyes closed. He still remembers how Kihyun’s smile edged lines into his face.

_I won’t forget you._

_Maybe it would be better if you did_.

 

Jooheon is released soon after Minhyuk. It’s like they were never apart, their friendship so easy as though it hadn’t been forged within a psychic ward.

There’s an edge to Jooheon’s smile, though, when he pulls out an envelope.

‘Kihyun told me to give this to you,’ he says, handing the letter to Changkyun. ‘He never got another roommate, you know? They took him away and he gave me this with the promise that he’d kill me if I opened it. So I kept it and now… I don’t know if you should read it, but knowing you, you probably will no matter what I say.’

Changkyun’s hands are hasty when he rips open the paper and pulls out a wrinkled page, lined with Kihyun’s tight small handwriting that begins to blur in front of his eyes. He thinks he knows what it’s going to say without reading it, but he does it anyway.

 

_Changkyun_

_I hope the real world is everything you need it to be. Whatever you are doing right now, you can be proud._

_Honestly, I’m shit at writing letters. You’re so good at it, I read every one of yours at least twenty times, but now that I’m writing I don’t know how to stop or what to say._

_The thing is: I’m not getting better. I never was. It was a downward spiral from day one, ever since I killed that guy._

_It wasn’t self-defence, not really._

_It’s what the judges said and everything but I know it wasn’t. It was an overreaction. And I can’t live with myself anymore._

_I killed someone, Changkyun. Every day I’m burning alive for it. I’m sorry._

_Today I take my eternal leave of you._

 

Kihyun signed and dated the letter five weeks ago.

Changkyun’s mind is spinning.

_He can’t be dead. They said they would take care of him. He might have tried, but he can’t be dead, he must be in a hospital or something, pleasedontlethimbedead._

Someone takes the letter out of his hands and someone else gently touches his shoulder.

‘I don’t know what happened.’ That’s Jooheon’s voice. ‘I haven’t seen him since. No one has. I’m sorry, Changkyun.’

‘Do you want to go home?’ Minhyuk asks.

Something hot runs over Changkyun’s face and he realises he’s crying. He wipes at it angrily because no, this isn’t happening, it can’t be happening.

‘I’m calling Dr Pate,’ he says.

‘Put her on speaker,’ Minhyuk says, so Changkyun does.

‘Changkyun! How are you doing?’ she greets him cheerily.

‘Is Kihyun still there?’ Changkyun asks.

‘Oh, you know I can’t give you confidential information on patients anymore, Changkyun.’

‘Just – just tell me if he’s – still alive. Just that. Please. Just that.’

There’s a tense silence that almost kills him. Dr Pate breathes out slowly. ‘Yes. But Changkyun –’

The wave of relief comes over him like nausea and he almost drops his phone.

‘– do you know?’

‘Oh God. Sorry, what?’

Dr Pate sighs again. ‘Did Jooheon figure something out and tell you?’

‘What? Figure what out?’

Silence.

‘Dr Pate. Is there something wrong with Kihyun? I mean, something _more_?’

‘I have to go, Changkyun, but I’m glad you’re doing well. Take care, alright?’

She’s gone.

They told Changkyun they would take care of Kihyun. They told him he would be fine.

He won’t be. He isn’t. Changkyun knows but he’s powerless and afraid. There’s nothing he can do for Kihyun now after everything they did for each other.

 

Weeks pass without any news. Changkyun is forced to move on, taking up a part time job next to an online course. Jooheon tells him it’s for the better. Minhyuk tells him he’s proud.

To Changkyun, it feels a lot like betrayal.

It’s been so long that Changkyun starts to think he wouldn’t recognise Kihyun if he passed him on the streets. Sometimes he dreams of him but he can’t trust the face his mind makes up. What did Kihyun smell like? What did his hands feel like? What was it like to kiss him?

Everything is blurred together. If it weren’t for his friends it would be easy to convince himself that Kihyun was nothing but a side effect of the drugs. There are no pictures, no physical reminders, apart from the letter. Jooheon is keeping it for him, so Changkyun can’t obsess over it.

Kihyun becomes more unreal every day and yet he's the one thing Changkyun can’t forget.

 

Changkyun is on his way home when his phone rings. Unknown number. ‘Hello?’

‘Changkyun.’

Changkyun _almost_ hangs up, just because the impossible happened. It simply can't be true. Kihyun’s voice is full of wonder, full of fondness, full of nerves.

Kihyun.

If this is a joke it will break his heart.

 _I’ve missed you so much_ , Changkyun wants to say. _Am I dreaming?_ _I’ve missed you and I’ve always believed in you and can I come see you?_

‘H-How’d you get my number?’ he asks instead.

Kihyun chuckles. Changkyun has to sit down, right there on the curb, heart thrashing against his collarbones.

‘Wonho really likes you. He helped me out a bit.’

‘Kihyun.’ Changkyun is crying now, pressing his phone to his ear to not miss any sound. His throat is so full of all the words he wants to say but he doesn't know how. ‘Kihyun, I…’

‘I know,’ Kihyun says. ‘Me, too.’

 

They agree to meet up in a café a few days later. Changkyun is there first, pushed by nerves and anticipation. A part of him still thinks this isn’t real, can’t be real, after all those months of silence.

It’s not like in the movies when Changkyun spots Kihyun, where everything slows down and focuses on him. It happens so quickly and Changkyun wonders how he ever thought he could forget Kihyun’s face. It’s sharper than it used to be and he has black hair now but it’s still him, wearing an insecure smile that grows more confident the closer he gets.

Until he’s right there. Right in front of Changkyun, taking a seat slowly.

‘I can’t believe you’re here,’ Changkyun says.

Kihyun's smile deepens. 'You look good. How are you doing? Is life treating you well?'

Right now it is, Changkyun thinks. Right now it's the best. 'Could be worse. What about you?'

'I've missed you,' Kihyun says. 'But I'm here now.'

It’s a little awkward at first. They both order hot chocolate and talk about light-hearted things, like where they live and what they saw on the way here. Changkyun can’t stop looking at Kihyun, his new hair, his eyes. His tongue burns with heavy questions but he doesn’t know if Kihyun wants to talk about them and he doesn’t want to scare him away.

There’s a lull in the conversation. Their cups are empty. Kihyun has his sleeves pulled over his hands, just the tips of his fingers visible. Changkyun wants so badly to reach across the table and touch them.

‘Did Jooheon give you the letter?’ Kihyun finally asks.

Changkyun nods. ‘I thought you were dead.’

‘I almost was.’

Silence. Changkyun figured that much but it’s different when you hear it out loud.

‘I’m glad you’re not,’ he says quietly.

‘Me, too.’

Kihyun reaches out, holds out his hand like another question. Changkyun links their fingers together and they both breathe a little easier. This is all he ever wants to do – hold Kihyun’s hand and breathe and be glad to be alive.

‘Are you doing okay now?’ Changkyun asks.

‘They wouldn’t have let me out if I weren’t. And I go to therapy three times a week.’

‘I still can’t believe you’re here.’

Kihyun smiles and there are the cheekbone dimples that Changkyun hasn’t seen in so long, the teeth that had once bitten Changkyun’s neck, and Changkyun suddenly can’t stop thinking about pulling him close.

‘This – this thing between us,’ he starts. ‘It’s not just a hospital thing, right? This is real?’

‘It’s real to me,’ Kihyun says.

Changkyun smiles and gets up to pull him in.

 

‘Today was fun,’ Kihyun says a week later when they are on the way to Changkyun’s house, shoulders bumping. They hung out with Jooheon and Minhyuk today, and it's been a long time since Changkyun has felt this complete. ‘Good to know Minhyuk’s still insane.’

‘You’re one to talk,’ Changkyun says. He pushes off and runs a few steps before Kihyun can slap him but then Kihyun is running, too, and suddenly it turns into a race full of bubbly laughter. Changkyun can’t help it, the night air and Kihyun’s presence make him feel so giddy, now that he knows they have time and space to be themselves. All day Kihyun's been glued to his side and he hadn’t been able to do anything because they'd been in public, and Changkyun wonders if Kihyun is thinking of kissing him, too.

They arrive at the door, out of breath, and Changkyun manages to unlock it even with Kihyun trying to tickle him. They stumble inside, kicking off shoes and shrugging off jackets and slapping away nosy hands. Changkyun’s chest is full of butterflies and somehow his back hits the wall, Kihyun’s hands on his shoulders.

Kihyun’s eyes are so dark and beautiful.

‘I really want to kiss you right now, Changkyun,' he says.

It feels a little bit like a first kiss when he finally does. 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading <3 if you have any suggestions let me know
> 
> I finally learnt how to make links so now you can shout at me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/ki_jaemjen)


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